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Blank Denial

June 17, 2013 | Nadine El Sayed
Blank Denial

I sit staring at a blank screen, my blog deadline is due and I have nothing to say. I know I need to be writing something, but my mind is numb, blank. I dig and dig, nothing really comes out. It’s odd to me, I am almost never at loss with words, no matter what the situation is I would have something or the other to say.

And then I had an epiphany, I am at loss with words because I am so sick and tired of all the negativity that my mind just wouldn’t allow me to write any negative thought; it went into protective mode and shut out everything that ever bothered me. I know I can complain about personal issues, the political situation, the economic crisis, the impeding doom that is our education system, the sad culture or all the stereotypes and atrocities against women. I know I can, but my mind deliberately blocks it all out. I am brilliant at locking departments like that in my brain and just throw the key away and pretend they don’t exist. I do pretend, and I am often successful for a few days, then they come crawling back, creeping into my subconscious until there’s no escaping them. Until I find myself irritated, annoyed, snappy and shooting words at anyone who crosses me.

But not this time, this time, my brain truly shut out all negativity that I cannot even muster the mind-control to get myself to write about them.

As odd as writer’s block is to me, it isn’t really strange given the context we live in — in fact, it isn’t writer’s block at all, it’s denial, sweet, relieving, numbing, denial.

You open the news and you get massacres in neighboring countries, bloodshed next door, economic crisis at home, political chaos around the corner, stupidities uttered in the name of religion and then insults shot back in the name of liberalism.

Your brain takes it all in, gets super worked up, you argue, your veins pop out and you’re red in the face, engaged in a political, cultural or religious debate. You follow the news avidly, watch every talk show there is, see every Facebook feed your friends post about any pickpocketing, theft, kidnapping or even murder incident and share it to warn others. You voice your opinions out, sign forms, try and tell the world that this isn’t okay.

And then it happens: Everything goes numb. The world starts sounding like fuzzy, white noise that you watch from the outside and just try to fade it all out. And the worst bit is, you succeed.

I turn a blind eye to the news, go to my happy place when people speak about politics, toy around with my phone when I hear another kidnapping story, quickly flip through the channels to avoid accidentally running into a ridiculously ignorant ‘religious’ channel and put my iPod on when my family watches a talk show.

In my mind none of this concerns me — don’t get me wrong, in my heart, all of this is driving me crazy, but my mind decided not to acknowledge any of it. No matter how hard I try these days, my mind refuses to tun on power on that compartment.

I am sure many of you feel this way, I am sure many of you are as, or much more, tired of all of this than I am. Tired of the drama and the confusion, of the conspiracies and the theories, of picking sides and of having an opinion about a rather messy regional —  and global, really — situation. And this isn’t just about politics, it’s the havoc that is our region now, the mentalities and imposing cultures, the injustices and the many human rights’ violations.

I am numb, I am blank, I am tired, but I sure will keep trying to resuscitate this brain of mine back to a healthy, active, angry mode.


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